-Prof. Tim
-----Forwarded Message-----
Date: Thursday, July 09, 1998 1:11 PM
Subject: This guy needs a life!
>>>The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in
>>>Newport, Rhode Island named Scott Williams who digs things out of his
>>>backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute,
>>>labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual
>>>archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his
>spare
>>>time!
>>>Here is the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution:
>>>
>>>Smithsonian Institute
>>>207 Pennsylvania Avenue
>>>Washington, DC 20078
>>>
>>>Dear Mr. Williams:
>>>
>>>Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
>"93211-D,
>>>layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull."
>>>We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and
>regret
>>>to inform you we disagree with your theory that it represents
>>>conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two
>>>million years ago.
>>>
>>>Rather, it appears what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll,
>>>of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to
>>>be "Malibu Barbie".
>>>It is evident you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis
>>>of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who
>are
>>>familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
>>>contradiction with your findings.
>>>However, we do feel there are a number of physical attributes of the
>>>specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
>>>1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
>>>typically fossilized bone.
>>>2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
>>>centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
>>>proto-hominids.
>>>3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with
>the
>>>common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating
>Pliocene
>>>clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
>>>This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
>you
>>>have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence
>>>seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much
>>>detail, let us say that:
>>>A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie that a dog has chewed
>on.
>>>B. Clams don't have teeth.
>>>
>>>It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
>request
>>>to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy
>load
>>>our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
>>>carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic
>record.
>>>To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to
>1956
>>>AD, and the carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate
>results.
>>>
>>>Sadly, we must also deny your request we approach the National
>>>Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning
>your
>>>specimen with the scientific name Australopithecus Spiff-Arino.
>>>
>>>Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance
>of
>>>your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
>species
>>>name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it
>might be
>>>Latin.
>>>
>>>However, we gladly accpet your generous donation of this fascinating
>>>specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil,
>it
>>>is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of
>work you
>>>seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.
>>>
>>>You should know our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own
>>>office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted
>to
>>>the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you
>will
>>>happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your
>>>Newport back yard.
>>>
>>>We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital you proposed
>>>in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to
>pay for
>>>it.
>>>
>>>We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories
>>>surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a
>>>structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex
>femur
>>>you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty
>9mm
>>>Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
>>>
>>>Yours in Science,
>>>
>>>Harvey Rowe
>>>Chief Curator-Antiquities
>>>