The equal rites awards
Annual awards for those who have done their most over the last 12 months to set
back the cause of equality
Ellen Goodman
Washington Post Writers Group

http://www.workingforchange.com/article.cfm?ItemID=17466
BOSTON -- Once more we approach Aug. 26, the
anniversary of women's suffrage, with mixed feelings.
It's been 84 years since women won the right to vote and
still the only women in the race for White House housing
are ladies, as in first lady. This year, Iraqi women, under
their brand new constitution, will hold 25 percent of the
government seats, but American women, under their
venerable old Constitution, will hold only 13.8 percent of
the congressional seats.
"Failure is impossible," said Susan B. Anthony. But she
forgot to mention how slow success could be.
With this in mind we assembled our one-woman
committee to pick winners for the much-coveted Equal
Rites Awards. The ERAs are given annually to those who
have done their most over the last 12 months to set back
the cause of equality.
So, without further ado, the envelopes please.
We begin with the International Ayatollah Award. This has
long gone to evil emperors from Iran to the Taliban. But
the winner this year is Dr. Qassim Al-Qasabi, the deputy
minister of health for our alleged ally, Saudi Arabia. The
good doctor directed Saudi hospitals to admit women in
labor only if they are accompanied by a man. For this "no
hubby, no hospital" policy, we send a double standard
and a very hard labor.
Alas, not all double standards are foreign. The Super
Bowl of Sexism trophy goes to those folks at the NFL and
the FCC who were shocked (!) when their regular halftime
programming -- erectile dysfunction ads, crotch-biting
dogs, half-clad cheerleaders -- was interrupted by Janet
Jackson's overexposure. Umm, anybody notice that Justin
Timberlake had a hand in the "wardrobe malfunctioning"?
Ah well, Boys will be Boys and Arnold will be
Schwarzenegger. The former Terminator and much-
alleged serial groper gets the boytoy prize for his
reasoned critique of the Democratic leadership in
Sacramento: "I call them girlie men." We send the
legislators -- male and female -- some sand to kick in his
face.
If you think Arnold deserves his booby prize, you haven't
met Rep. Bill Tauzin, R-La., who included a pet project in
the energy bill that would help subsidize a Hooters
restaurant in Louisiana. We send him a push-up bra
nicely inscribed: Your Tax Dollars At Work.
The private sector has its own boobs. So the Mixed
Messenger Prize goes to the restaurant owner in West
Branch, Iowa, who on one hand sponsored wet T-shirt
contests. On the other hand, he refused to let a woman
breast feed her baby at her table. We send him what he
needs, a pacifier.
Now for the Fashion Victim Award. So many body parts,
so little time. From the surgical roster, we chose those
women who have gone under the knife to have their toes
shortened and feet reshaped to fit the foot fetish fantasies
of designers such as Jimmy Choo. We send them each a
pair of killer heels. Oh heck, they already have them.
As for the Patriarch of the Year Award, we can't overlook
the British geniuses at Brighter Pictures who are pitching
a reality program tentatively named "Make Me a Mum." If
it gets aired, we will be watching 1,000 men compete for
fatherhood in a series culminating in an on-air "sperm
race." We give these men a tip straight from Dr. Ruth:
Speed isn't everything.
The Musical Misogyny Baton, a downbeat award, goes to
the rappers who have made the pimp into a hip status
symbol. One baton for rapper Nelly, who owns and
markets Pimp Juice. One for the animators who created
"Lil Pimp." One for rapper 50 Cent, who made $18 million
on his song "P.I.M.P." And one for the video in which a
rapper is seen "walking" two women on leashes. What's
next? Pimp Pride Day.
Alas, this brings us to the Dubious Equality Award. Given
annually to the woman who strove the most for the least
worthy parity, it belongs now to Lynndie England, the
soldier seen around the world holding an Iraqi prisoner on
a leash. Need we say more?
Before we get out of court, let's not forget the Blind
Justice Award. The winner this year is Judge Gene
Stephenson. In a Florida rape trial, he offered this
opinion: "Why would he want to rape her? She doesn't
look like a day at the beach." We give the judge many,
many days on the beach and off the bench.
While we are in a retro mood, the Backlash Award goes
to Family Circle, which has lowered political
consciousness by sponsoring yet another cookie bakeoff,
between Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry. May we
suggest that the editors take their magazine on a much
needed low-carb diet?
Onward soldiers now to the Battle of the Sexes. The 2004
ribbon goes to the Vatican, which wants to make peace
through passivity. In a long document, the hierarchy
recommends women cultivate "feminine values" such as
"listening, welcoming, humility, faithfulness, praise and
waiting." Waiting? Listening? This year, those rabid
Catholic feminists in several dioceses were even banned
from foot-washing ceremonies. We send the Vatican
hearing aids.
Finally, the Missing Woman Award goes to the Bush
administration. Log on to government Web sites and you
will discover that the old fact sheets about, say, the
earning differences between men and women have been
removed. In their place are new upbeat offerings such as
"Hot Jobs for the 21st century." Who would have dreamed
that the Bush minions would work so hard to make
women's issues, uh, disappear?



---
To unsubscribe from the Virus list go to <http://www.lucifer.com/cgi-bin/virus-l>