Walter Watts
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Just when I thought I was out-they pull me back in
  
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virus: OK, here are the rules -- Try#2
« on: 2004-05-16 15:58:58 » |
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Sorry, you will be foiled by cookies on that previous link I sent. =
Here's the full text.
Walter
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Posted on Sun, May. 16, 2004=20
Don't mean to be rude?=20
Read rules
DAVE BARRY
OK, here are the rules:
1. If there's a line, you get at the end of the line, and you wait your =
turn.
2. You own ONE place in the line. You do NOT have the right to invite =
friends to join you in the line. This is rude to the people behind you, =
who got there before your friends, and will now have to wait longer. If =
you want to be with your friends, you can join them at the back of the =
line. And, no, it's not enough to ask the person immediately behind you =
if it's OK for your friends to butt in. This person does not speak for =
the entire line. Also this person pretty much has to say yes, but only =
because he or she, being less rude than you, wants to avoid =
confrontation.
EXCEPTION: You may invite an immediate family member such as your spouse =
or child to join you in the line. There are no other exceptions.
EXCEPTION: Halle Berry.
3. If you're one of those people who go directly to the front of the =
line and either pretend you don't see the line, or act as though you =
somehow KNOW that your situation is more urgent than that of anybody =
else waiting, and somebody in line objects, and you make some vague =
apology but remain at the front of the line, you will rot in hell. Also =
the cashier will hate you, although generally he or she will say =
nothing, as cashiers don't get paid enough to argue with jerks.
4. If you're in a supermarket checkout line, and you realize that you =
forgot an item, you're allowed to go get it, provided that (1) you =
apologize to the people behind you, (2) you know exactly where the item =
is, and (3) you hurry. If you forgot TWO items, take your cart out of =
line. You are NOT allowed to leave your cart blocking the line while you =
wander the aisles trying to recall the ingredients for Beef Tongue =
Flambeau.
NOTE: Before you serve beef tongue to innocent people, you should think =
about the kinds of things that cows lick.
5. If you're in the express lane, and the sign says 10 ITEMS OR LESS, =
then you should have no more than . . . OK, we'll allow 12 items. We're =
not Nazis here.
EXCEPTION: Halle Berry can have as many items as she wants.
6. At a movie theater, you may save seats for a few people if the =
theater is not crowded. If the theater is crowded, you may save seats =
only if the people you're saving them for are on the premises, defined =
as ''in the building or the parking lot.'' If the previews of coming =
attractions have started, and the theater is filling up, and you're =
still defending seats for theoretical people who have not yet arrived, =
and an actual, physical person attempts to sit down, and you hiss =
''That's saved,'' and the person ''accidentally'' trips and spills that =
stanky movie-theater nacho cheese all over your hair, and you press =
assault charges, and we get selected to serve on the jury, we're voting =
for acquittal.
7. Do not talk during the movie unless you have something important to =
say.
(Example: ''My water just broke.'') You may talk quietly during the =
previews of coming attractions.
EXCEPTION: Halle Berry.
8. At class plays, music recitals, graduations, etc., you may save a few =
seats for your IMMEDIATE FAMILY, and then only for a reasonable time. =
You may not arrive an hour early and squat at the end of a row, or even =
two rows, and save large blocs of seats for relatives so distant that =
some of them are not even vertebrates.
NOTE: This rule applies even if you have turned the seating area into an =
indoor yard sale by marking each ''saved'' seat with a personal item =
such as a sweater, purse, sock, brassiere, etc.
EXCEPTION: If we see a seat marked by dentures, we're sitting somewhere =
else.
9. If you're talking on your cell phone in public, and people keep =
glancing at you, it's not because they're impressed by the fact that you =
are a busy, productive person. It's because YOU'RE TALKING TOO LOUD.
10. (This rule was suggested by our Research Department, Judi Smith, who =
one day will open fire with a machine gun in a public restroom:) If =
you're a woman using a toilet, and, because you are dainty and =
fastidious, you elect not to sit on the seat, but instead hover over it =
like a UFO from the Planet Weewee, and as a result you spatter the seat, =
do NOT just leave your mess, as if no human will ever use this toilet =
again. CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF.
EXCEPTION: Sorry, Halle. Judi says you, too.
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