Heard the one about Saddam?
By Roland White, Stuart Wavell
07Apr03

IT is the strategy the battle planners least expected: war in Iraq has unleashed a fierce barrage of jokes, many of dubious quality.

I say, I say, I say, when does Saddam Hussein have his dinner? Answer: when Tariq Aziz.
In the aftermath of the September 11 attacks, some comedians and cartoonists felt life would never be the same again. Laughter was frowned upon.

A BBC producer told how he was hushed by an American on a trans-Atlantic flight with the words: "Excuse me, you guys are having way too much fun.''

This time it is the Americans who are leading the way, especially the late-night talk show hosts. Jay Leno, presenter of the Tonight Show on the NBC network, joked recently: "They said today it will cost $30 billion to rebuild Iraq. Hey, that's still less than it cost to rebuild Cher.''

He also reported: "In California 50 women protested against the war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word 'peace'. Right idea, wrong President.''

Leno's rival, David Letterman, who has been on sick leave, returned to his Late Show on CBS last week. "It took me 30 days to recover from shingles,'' he said, "but according to Donald Rumsfeld that's right on schedule.''

And is the US grateful for the support of the British? You wouldn't think so if you were watching Conan O'Brien's late-night show on NBC.

"American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis,'' he told viewers. "Not surprisingly, the Iraqis handed the British food back.''

Even the US's war leaders are indulging in black humour.

The favourite joke of Paul Wolfowitz, the ultimate hawk and deputy head of the Pentagon, concerns Saddam Hussein's barber.

The latter keeps asking the dictator about Nicolae Ceausescu, the Romanian tyrant who was executed after a popular uprising in 1989.

An irritated Hussein asks why the barber keeps harping on the same subject.

"Because every time I do, the hair goes up on the back of your neck and it's easier to cut,'' comes the reply.

The main target, of course, is the Iraqis. Here is a selection of jokes doing the rounds on the internet: What's the national bird of Iraq? Duck.

What do Saddam and General Custer have in common? They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from.

How do you play Iraqi bingo? B-52, F-16, B-2. And when Iraq has suffered enough, there are always the perfidious French: "For sale: French army rifle,'' goes one joke that's doing the rounds.

"Never shot. Dropped once.''

War in the Middle East has been an unexpected bonus for Shazia Mirza, Britain's first female Muslim stand-up comedian.

Mirza has developed a reputation for tackling sensitive subjects.

She visited the US shortly after the September 11 attacks on New York and Washington, and told an audience: "My name's Shazia Mirza. At least, that's what it says on my pilot's licence.'' After a horrified silence, the audience erupted into laughter.

Even her family does not escape: "Anyone with a moustache is now a target. My mum's been attacked."