Subject: France Deploys the Ultimate Weapon
>
>      French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan to Convince
>Taliban
>of Non-Existence of God.
>
>    The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the
>    Allies
>revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist
>philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of Taliban
>zealots by proving the non-existence of God. Elements from the feared
>Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into
>the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie
>among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought
>during their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their first action
>will be to establish a number of pavement cafes at strategic points
>near the front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk
>animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation
>in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of
>heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay
>by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five
>minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.
>    Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his
>confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate
>Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover,
>gesticulated wildly and said, "The Taliban are caught in a logical
>fallacy of the most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it.
>Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking." Marc-Ange
>plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating freedom of
>action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films
>of Alfred Hitchcock. However, humanitarian agencies have been quick
>to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects
>of passive smoking from the Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a
>terrible toll on civilians in the area.    Speculation was mounting
>last night that Britain may also contribute to the effort by dropping
>Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate his
>non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe. This is only one
>of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by the Allies to undermine the
>unswerving religious fanaticism that fuels the Taliban's fighting
>spirit. Pentagon sources have recently confirmed rumours that America
>has already sent in a 200-foot-tall robot Jesus, which roams the
>Taliban front lines glowing eerily and shooting flames out of its
>fingers while saying, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. Follow
>me or die."