Robin Faichney <robin@faichney.demon.co.uk>
> So I shouldn't tell my kids not to run out into the road?
> Get a grip, Brett!
I was very impressed by the message that Brett wrote in the other day -- it
had many similairities to the TCS theories about children raising.
This question that Robin asks is typical of those you see on the list --
indeed, it has a name, the "what if" question. They are largely
irrelevant. The thing is, children don't need to be told not to run in
front of cars. They generally have pretty good ideas about what would
happen anyway. This type of question is usually framed with the ASSUMPTION
that children are irrational, eg "what if my child wants to kill his little
brother?" TCS states that if you have raised you children properly, your
kid won't want to do this anyway -- that, if it ever does happen, that
shows that you have coerced your child, and damaged his ability to think
rationally. *IF* your child is like this, the way to solve the problem is
NOT to continue coercing them, for that only makes it worse, but rather to
STOP coersing them -- and to get them to trust you again. TCS parents
strive always to HELP the child to acheive their goals. If they want to
smoke, BUY THEM CIGARETTES. If the want to throw knives, BUY THEM A
THROWING KNIFE, and enrol them in a course which will teach them how to
have fun doing it! (and not get hurt). The key point is always to inform
them of things that you know about the situation -- BUT LEAVE THE FINAL
DECISION UP TO THEM, AND SUPPORT THEM IN WHATEVER THEY DO. Those children
are at least as rational as you are, and IF YOU CAN'T CONVINCE them that
something is bad for them, the YOU SHOULD RECONSIDER whether is really is
bad or not. (failability is another major axiom of TCS parenting)
I can't count the number of times I've seen messages where this "I'm always
on your side" philosophy has paied off for the parents. If your child
trusts you always, s/he will come to you with all of the problems they
can't solve by themselves -- including those things you don't like. (e.g.
your child wants a toy, and thinks the easiest way to get it is to steal it
from another child. At this point, the TCS child comes to the parent, and
asks for help -- which usually results in the parent buying the toy.
Problem solved -- in a way which BOTH parties PREFER to the original
solution -- A COMMON PREFERENCE: the backbone of TCS parenting theory.)
ERiC