Does Rep. Damschen have a sick lust for melons?
« on: 2009-02-25 08:49:36 »
[Blunderov] Dispatches from the front. The war for the liberation of spermatazoa everywhere has reached climactic proportions. Are YOU part of the problem or part of the (so to speak) solution? Do YOU know where you spermatozoa are now?
Rep. Damschen responded (see below) to my invitation to join the Billion Spermatazoan-American March on Washington, and he wasn't very nice about it. I'm thinking he must be using all this zygote-American protection stuff as cover for some wickedness he's performing against our spermatazoan-American brothers. Here's my response.
Rep. Chuck Damschen
North Dakota House of Representatives
Dear Rep. Damschen,
Thank you for getting back to me, but your argument against granting personhood to spermatazoan-Americans is so obviously wrong, I can only assume that you were being disingenuous. Yes, it is true that zygote-Americans will eventually become real people if they are allowed to develop, but the same could be said of our spermatazoan-brothers. One cannot look at them under a microscope and not see the humanity in their desperately horny wiggling. It's a lot like watching College Republicans at an open bar if you think about it. Sure, the odds of them scoring are extremely remote, but that doesn't mean we should stop serving them Coors.
It doesn't matter whether they are Spermatazoan-Americans or College Republicans, every single one of them has the potential to be a normal human being, and they deserve our protection.
So I have to wonder why you are so dead set on allowing this tubesock holocaust to continue?
Is it because you do not want to stop doing something that by its very nature murders spermantazoan-Americans. I understand you're a farmer. Do you grow watermelons per chance? If so, is that your problem?
You can talk to me about it. I've heard the melon's siren call. I know what it's like to see a luscious watermelon lying seductively in a bed of leaves and vines, the twilight sun gently caressing it smooth firm rind. I know how tempting it is to cut a hole in it and to take it right there in the field. I've fallen for that temptation, myself. I've experienced the incredible sensation of a melon's sun-warmed pulp engulfing my hard wicked tuber, and I've celebrated the glorious planting of my seed deep within its flesh. But each of these brief moments of ecstasy led to the deaths of 412,000,001 spermatazoan-Americans.
There comes a point where the guilt overwhelms you and you just have to stop. That's what I did, and you can do it too. I've produced a video to assist watermelonophiles in their quest to regain purity. I'm enclosing it for your benefit. I hope you find it helpful.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
p.s. You may notice that I'm wearing an "Ex-masturbator" shirt in the video. I consider masturbation to be the slaughter of innocent spermatazoan-Americans. Liberating them into a mason jar is an act of salvation rather than masturbation.
* [Bl.] Well, they are very alluring, let's face it.
Frank Zappa
Watermelon in Easter Hay
Lyrics
Frank zappa (lead guitar, vocals) Warren cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals) Denny walley (slide guitar, vocals) Ike willis (lead vocals) Peter wolf (keyboards) Arthur barrow (bass, vocals) Ed mann (percussion) Vinnie colaiuta (drums)
Central scrutinizer:
This is the central scrutinizer...joe has just worked himself into an imaginary frenzy during the fade- out of his imaginary song...he begins to feel depressed now. he knows the end is near. He realized at last that imaginary guitar notes and imaginary vocals exist only in the imagination of the imaginer...and... ultimately, who gives a fuck anyway...so...so... excuse me...so...who give's a fuck anyway? So he goes back to his ugly little room and quietly dreams his last imaginary guitar solo...
(after the song ends)
This is the central scrutinizer...as you can see, music can get you pretty fucked up...take a tip from joe, do like he did, hock your imaginary guitar and get a good job...joe did, and he's a ok now, on the day shift at the utility muffin research kitchen, arrogantly twisting the sterile canvas snoot of a fully-charged icing anointment utensil. And every time a nice little muffin comes onto the belt, he poots forth...
And if this doesn't convince you that music causes big trouble...then maybe I should turn off my plastic megaphone and sing the last song on the album in my regular voice...
Re:Does Rep. Damschen have a sick lust for melons?
« Reply #2 on: 2009-02-28 00:17:22 »
[Blunderov] Me, I think that a White House lawn covered in watermelons would be a valuable public amenity. A bit like the Rose Garden, but more interactive and way more fun.
Calif. politician says image sent to 'small group of friends' was in poor taste
LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. - The mayor of a California city says he will resign after being criticized for sharing an e-mail picture depicting the White House lawn planted with watermelons under the title "No Easter egg hunt this year."
Los Alamitos Mayor Dean Grose issued a statement Thursday saying he is sorry and will step down as mayor at Monday's City Council meeting.
Grose came under fire for sending the picture to what he called "a small group of friends." One of the recipients, a local businesswoman and city volunteer, publicly scolded the mayor for his actions. Story continues below
Grose says he accepts that the e-mail was in poor taste and has affected his ability to lead the city.
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