From: Archibald Scatflinger (TransdimensionalElf@hawaii.rr.com)
Date: Sun Sep 22 2002 - 18:04:58 MDT
----- Original Message -----
From: "Maurizio Mariotti" <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
To: <CYBERMIND@LISTSERV.AOL.COM>
Sent: Saturday, September 21, 2002 5:20 AM
Subject: Weakly Politics
> .
>
>
> Weakly Politics, a FREE Newsletter by Pauly and Maury, who have
> volunteered to go to Iraq as brothels inspectors.
>
>
> HEADLINES OF THE WEAK
>
> * Records show hundreds of corporate executives using their "one phone
> call" to try and reach the Oval Office.
>
> * McDonald's to Enforce No-Fry Zone on Iraq
>
> * New Klan Guy Won't Stop Talking About Race
>
> * Gore Vice Presidential Library Opens in Nashville Starbucks
>
> ---------
>
> NEWSQUICKIES OF THE WEAK
>
>
> -- Retirement savings of middle class disappeared in stock market dive.
> Treasury Sec. Paul O'Neill, Congress agree no real problem: without
> prescription drugs, most will die sooner, won't be needing funds.
>
> -- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld reassured the public today that
> Iraq is a starving, demoralized country whose antiquated military will
> be no match for the technological might of the United States. ... He
> then went on to add that the U.S. must attack immediately, as Saddam
> Hussein is the single greatest threat to the continued existence of
> life on the planet Earth.
>
>
> -- Middle Eastern Nations Line Up For Foreign Aid Bonanza
>
> Qatar, Turkey, Egypt, Jordan expecting "mother of all bribes" to
> support U.S. war effort.
>
> --------
>
> POLITICS
>
>
> WASHINGTON - President Bush, who campaigned strongly against United
> States involvement in foreign affairs, today announced that he is now
> "totally, completely into nation-building." Speaking informally to
> reporters, Bush confided, "I was wrong, plain and simple. Nation-
> building absolutely kicks ass. It's like The Sims, only a hundred
> times better because it's real."
>
> Bush outlined an ambitious plan to back up his new passion. "First and
> foremost, I intend to dismantle Canada's national health insurance
> system. Right now, Gordon Lightfoot is on his death bed and if we
> don't get some real doctors up there it's going to be, 'fellas, it's
> been good to know ya!' In the late fall, I'm going to give Italy a
> major makeover. They've got a good religious thing going with the
> Vatican there, but there's Jesus, and then there's Jesus, if you know
> what I mean. I'm sending Ashcroft there with some tracts and a
> personal letter from me recommending Rumsfeld as the next Pope. In the
> winter, I'd like to work on Thailand. I understand the hookers over
> there are as generous as Jed Clampett and cleaner than Felix Unger. We
> need some of that."
>
> ***********
>
> It all started when George W. Bush (R--Texas), upset over losing the
> election of 2000 to an earth-toned man, set out to erase the legacy of
> the previous president, the moderate Republican William Clinton.
> Clinton was a very wicked man indeed, with a penis the size and shape
> of Florida, a comparison which caused a great deal of trouble during
> the election as people in Florida were afraid to touch anything, just
> in case it wasn't Florida they were standing on.
>
> --------
>
> ADVERTISEMENT
>
> Don't Shred That Document!
>
> Simply let "The Translator" translate all your important papers into
> Arabic. At $400, "The Translator" isn't cheap, but wouldn't you want
> your most sensitive data safe from government investigators?
> Guaranteed, or the manufacturer will pay your bail.
>
> -------------
>
> WEAKLY INTERNATIONAL
>
> The President's Iraq Ultimatum, As Delivered
> To The United Nations General Assembly
>
> For Immediate Release
> Office of the Press Secretary
> September 14, 2002 - 10:47 A.M. (EST)
>
> THE PRESIDENT: Mr. Secretary General, Mr. President, deluded
> foreigners, and assembled terrorists: We meet just over one year after
> a vicious, heartless attack instilled fear in my countrymen, and helium
> in my approval ratings. On September 11th, we cheapened the memories
> of those murdered that terrible morning in a media circus of emotional
> pornography. And today, we turn to the unrelatedly urgent duty of
> avenging my father's humiliating failure to topple Saddam Hussein from
> power.
>
> The United Nations was born out of the ashes of a great and horrible
> world war. Its founding members had grand dreams for a dreary
> modernist headquarters on the banks of the mighty Hudson River, where
> self-important bureaucrats from around the world would congregate in a
> steamy orgy of sycophancy and parking ticket evasion. And they
> succeeded. Today, looking out over this sea of openly contemptuous salt-
> and-pepper faces, most of which can't even speak English, I feel not
> unlike an elementary school principal about to be forcibly neutered by
> a small army of bloodthirsty PTA mothers.
>
> As fellow citizens of the same planet whose climate is not suffering
> from the liberal myth of the "greenhouse effect," we know today that
> our common access to oil is increasingly challenged by regional
> conflicts --
>
> ethnic and religious strife that is ancient, and frankly getting a
> little old. In the Middle East, true peace will remain difficult to
> obtain while so many millions continue to practice the wrong brands of
> monotheism. America stands committed to independent states for both the
> Palestiniacs and Israeloids, with sovereign governments actively
> promoting faith-based initiatives which will bring the joy and love of
> Jesus Christ into the hearts of all. In the meantime, my nation will
> continue to provide the rational and level-headed Ariel Sharon with
> billions of dollars worth of cutting-edge implements of death.
>
> But above all, our common access to Arabiac oil is challenged today by
> outlaw groups and regimes that have no respect for the sacred nature of
> American petrochemical distribution contracts and drilling rights
> agreements. They embrace a sickening philosophy which, in correctly
> calling for the global eradication of separation of religion and state,
> errs in acknowledging the existence of the wrong invisible man who
> lives in the sky - namely, the moon god Allah. These Muslamics, if
> left unchecked, will continue to work tirelessly to bring about a world
> in which white Christian females are forced into sexual slavery, and
> the Miss Universe Pageant no longer includes the "Thong Speech"
> competition. Of course, our greatest fear is that terrorists will find
> a shortcut to their mad ambitions when a mustachioed, camel-porking tin
> pot dictator supplies them with the technologies to mount the kind of
> attacks which can and will inflict grievous political harm on yours
> truly.
>
> In one place -- in one regime -- we find all these dangers, in their
> most lethal and aggressive forms, exactly the kind of threat the United
> Nations was born to pontificate and posture about. That place is Iraq.
>
>
> Twelve years ago, Iraq invaded Kuwait without provocation. And the
> regime's forces were poised to continue their march to seize other
> American puppet monarchies and their oil fields. Had Saddam Hussein
> been appeased instead of stopped, he would have endangered the peace
> and stability of the world's oil supply. Yet this aggression was
> stopped --
>
> by my daddy and my daddy alone. And Saddam would have been properly
> assassinated during my father's otherwise totally successful crusade,
> had not Colin Powell totally chickened out and high-tailed it back to
> America for eight cushy years on the high-priced speaking circuit.
>
> And so when it was all over, Saddam Hussein maintained his grip on
> power, and all the world pointed their stubby fingers at my daddy and
> snickered "sissy." Then, to add insult to injury, the American people
> themselves engaged in mass sedition - refusing to be sensible enough to
> look past their deepening debt, poverty and joblessness to appreciate
> the fact that their SUV fuel tanks were brimming with 94 cent 87
> octane. Just over one year later, they voted George Herbert Walker Bush
> out of office, replacing him with a detestably inspiring intellectual
> named Bill Clinton. You may have heard of his penis. If not, please
> join me in the antechamber after this speech for a four hour crash
> Powerpoint seminar on the subject - complete with speculative CGI
> renderings of the behemoth member.
>
> Last year, the U.N. Commission on Socialite Affairs found that above
> and beyond having attempted to kill my daddy, Saddam Hussein continues
> to commit extremely grave violations of respectitude for him. Citizens
> of Baghdad have been instructed to use the words "George Bush" as a
> euphemism for camel excrement, and digitally altered copies of "JUGS"
> magazine are widely circulated in which my father's noble mug is
> superimposed over the grimacing faces of the spread-eagle stars of
> "Chubby Chasers IX: Dairy Queen Debutantes."
>
> And so today, I have come here to New York City - a vast urban cesspool
> of art, ideas, and pinko liberalism that voted overwhelmingly against
> me in 2000 (and will doubtless do so again in 2004), to tell you all
> that the time has come to bring about regime change in Iraq. The
> United States is already nearly finished with plans for 2002's second
> large-scale, unilateral invasion of a squalid, sun-baked Middle Eastern
> sand pit. Now it would be nice if some of you would support me on this
> one. Fortunately, I can back up my 100% personal motivations for
> invading Iraq by providing a laundry list of the many UN resolutions
> (please refer to your handouts) that Saddam has thwarted with impunity.
>
>
> Like it or not, that list lends an air of legitimacy to my blood lust -
> never mind that my administration expressed zero interest in President
> Hussein until such time as it became clear that Osama bin Laden and
> Mullah Omar had escaped free and clear, and scandals surrounding Harken
> and Halliburton conspired to bring my approval ratings south of 65%.
>
> Going forward, events can turn in one of two ways: the United Nations
> can retain a semblance of legitimacy by not asking questions and
> getting in line behind me. Or it can stand by, while by heritage and
> by choice, the United States of America goes and kicks some serious
> towel-head ass. And, delegates to the United Nations, you have the
> power to appear to support us. I shall close by noting that those of
> you who do so will continue to enjoy the privilege of purchasing Grade-
> A American weaponry at a steep discount - weaponry with which you may
> one day turn around and attack us.
>
> Thank you very much. (Applause.)
>
> *********
>
> Iraq Agrees To Weapons Inspections;
> Cheney Begs Them To Reconsider
>
> - Don't Make Any Hasty Decisions, Vice President Urges Saddam -
>
> Just minutes after the government of Iraq agreed to the unconditional
> return of U.N. weapons inspectors, Vice President Dick Cheney urged the
> Iraqis to reconsider their decision.
>
> "Let's not be too hasty about this," Mr. Cheney urged the Iraqi
> government. "You could be making a huge mistake here, guys."
>
> Mr. Cheney added that accepting weapons inspectors back into their
> country was a "big decision" and encouraged the Iraqis to "sleep on
> it." hours after Mr. Cheney begged the Iraqis to reconsider, Iraqi
> strongman Saddam Hussein released an official statement of his own,
> leaving little doubt that he intended to stick with his decision.
>
> "Not only am I sure that I want the weapons inspectors to come back to
> Iraq," Saddam's statement read, "but I am totally stoked about it."
>
> A less enthusiastic response to Saddam's decision came from U.S.
> General Tommy R. Franks, who had just moved his CENTCOM office from
> Florida to Qatar in preparation for military exercises in the Persian
> Gulf region.
>
> "No way!" General Franks said when informed of Saddam's decision.
> "You've got to be yanking my chain!"
>
> Meanwhile, an aide to the Vice President said that Mr. Cheney was
> returning to his secure undisclosed location for a few days "to be
> alone," but denied that the Vice President was "sulking."
>
> "The Vice President is an optimistic man," the aide said. "This is a
> bump in the road, but he is still hopeful that Saddam will change his
> mind and refuse to allow weapons inspectors to return to Iraq."
>
> (by Andy Borowitz)
>
> **********
>
> EU DEBATES MEASURES TO RESTORE ORDER AND DEMOCRACY IN
> FLORIDA.
>
>
> [From Le Monde et La Merde, September 12, 2002] BRUXELLES --
>
> The storied war cabinet of the European Union continued to meet today,
> deep in deliberations on restoring order to the rapidly deteriorating
> situation in Florida, U.S.A. Sources said debate bogged down initially
> over disagreements over whether order had actually prevailed in the
> first place.
>
> EU Minister of Information & Household Appliances Bo Husqvarnaquistholm
> from Sweden reported to the group on the present situation: "We have an
> across the board breakdown of the state's social and public services.
> The Child Welfare Department has been taken over by people who believe
> in flogging disobedient minors. Law enforcement agencies let
> perpetrators of drug offenses walk away from arrest. They prefer to
> focus on conducting surveillance on houses of prostitution. Election
> officials are ignorant of election laws. Election workers are ignorant
> of how to administer elections. Governor Jeb Bush is ignorant of the
> fact that elections are a state government responsibility. Dogs and
> cats have begun to try to eat each other, while alligators are eating
> them both. Janet Reno evades apprehension and is liable to eat
> anything."
>
> Minister of State Stability Sylvio Pecorino of Italy summed up the
> governance problem. "Legitimacy of the state has evaporated, given the
> debacle of the 2000 election, compounded by this week's repeat
> performance. The counties don't recognize the governor and the governor
> can't find the counties. We must act to bring self-government to the
> workers, peasants, and fisherpersons, both gay and straight. Regime
> change is imperative."
>
> Ministrix of Tough Love Helga Von Weinerschlanger laid out the military
> options. "We can have an allied force of French Foreign Legion, Swiss
> Guard, and Italian Carabinieri there in 48 hours. They can liberate the
> state in several days. Then a Dutch Psycho-Active Warfare unit can move
> in and dose the population into a state of blissful repose while we mop
> up isolated bands of Christian and Jewish fundamentalist extremists."
>
> The Belgian Convenor of the group, Leopoldo Poirot, twirled his
> linguini for a moment and asked, "But is it legal? Shouldn't we go to
> the United Nations first? Why not start with election inspections?
> What's Jimmy Carter doing these days?"
>
> French Minister of Deconstruction and Semiotics Petit Labelle objected,
> "Absoluement Pas! If we do the U.S. will automatically veto and we will
> be stymied. Meanwhile Floridians will continue to suffer. Better to
> intimate broad consensus and promise to form a gigantic 'coalition.' If
> someone says nobody supports the action, we say they will really be
> glad to see us act, even if they are reluctant to say so."
>
> The Portuguese Minister of Wine and Wool, Vino Verde, offered a
> conciliatory idea: "We can have inspections first. We just make sure
> they fail; that gives us the pretext to invade."
>
> The only residual issue was the delicate one of finance. The Spanish
> Minister of Platas asked, "Our per capita income is lower than
> Mississippi's. How can we expect to pay for this enterprise?"
>
> Swiss Minister of Numbered Accounts Franz Lucre replied, "Simple. We
> drill for oil off the coast, turn the Everglades into a condominium
> development, and nationalize Disney World."
>
> The assembled agreed to have their nationalized television networks
> immediately begin to propagandize on behalf of the mission. Dissident
> commentators carefully chosen for their flaccidity would be engaged to
> argue the anti-EU position, after having the crap kicked out of them
> for about forty minutes. Upon completion of the operation, it would be
> submitted to the European Parliament for approval.
>
> (Culled from Nettime)
>
> ----------
>
> WEAKLY RELIGION
>
> Ba'al Wins "American Idol" Competition
>
> HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - In a fiercely fought duel of the diva deities,
> Ba'al overcame YHWH (aka God) to win a million-dollar RCA recording
> contract-and the hearts of America-in the "American Idol II"
> competition.
>
> In a bizarre twist, after Ba'al was announced the winner, YHWH stormed
> off the stage, swearing vengeance and destruction on those who cast
> their vote for His rival. "I am the Lord your God!" He screamed.
> "Thou shalt have no other gods before me! I am a jealous God!" Shaken
> by God's unexpected outburst but still smiling, Ba'al said simply, "I
> can understand His being jealous, but I wish Him all the best-there are
> no losers here tonight."
>
> "Idol" hosts Brian Dunkleman and Ryan Seacrest were less surprised by
> YHWH's behavior. "We had a sense there might be some trouble if He
> lost," said Dunkleman. "When He refused to do the "Up Where We Belong"
> duet with Ba'al we knew all bets were off." Seacrest concurred. "He
> kept muttering, 'I the Lord am ONE god!' Man, he's more of a prima
> donna than Barbra, Whitney, and Mariah combined!"
>
> YHWH's family also seemed taken aback by His display of wrath. Jesus,
> sitting in the front row, noticeably cringed and slumped in His seat.
> He was overheard saying to His mother, Mary, "Geez, I've never seen Dad
> so pissed!"
>
> "I'm like totally in shock!" Ba'al answered when asked how he felt
> about overcoming the creator of the universe to become the latest
> American Idol. "I felt like I was in really good voice tonight, but
> you know, God is such a versatile performer, I didn't think I had a
> chance in hell of winning."
>
> Ba'al's pop-oriented musical choices, though somewhat lightweight,
> appealed to the mostly teenage crowd at the Kodak Theatre. His version
> of "Evergreen (Theme from 'A Star Is Born')" brought tears to many eyes-
> and turned out to be prophetic. His rocking "Like a Virgin" (dedicated
> to another "Idol" loser, Astarte), got the crowd on their feet dancing.
> Bobby McFerrin's loping "Don't Worry, Be Happy" also contributed to
> Ba'al's feel-good vibe.
>
> Although the crowd was awed by YHWH's basso profundo, His Handel and
> Bach numbers proved less audience-friendly. He failed to get a sing-
> along going on the "Hallelujah Chorus," and His efforts at more modern
> fare also fell flat. His vehemently serious version of the Doobie
> Brothers chestnut "What a Fool Believes" was described by one audience
> member as "totally creepy." Only His rendition of the "Theme from
> Exodus" seemed to capture the spirit of the event, especially as He
> performed it in the guise of a burning bush.
>
> Said one spectator about God's performance, "I love Aretha Franklin
> songs, but heavenly choirs and harps as the backing music for
> "Respect"?-what's THAT about? He didn't inspire me to respect Him at
> all-it was just embarrassing."
>
> Though Ba'al was the overwhelming choice of the public who voted for
> the winner, he was not the unanimous choice of the judges. In a
> scripted statement, Paula Abdul said, "I've known from the very
> beginning that Ba'al was the gold standard in this competition. That's
> not to take away from YHWH's terrific performance. But that sore loser
> act at the end was just SO tacky. It's the sort of thing I'd expect
> from Simon. Ba'al just seemed fresher, while God came off as older
> than the hills."
>
> The tart-tongued British judge Simon Cowell took issue with Abdul's
> choice. "I liked YHWH's holier-than-thou attitude-it showed real self-
> confidence. I mean, come on, this was GOD for Christ's sake! He's
> going to win in the end, no matter how America votes. Ba'al was just
> all glittery surface with no substance. He belongs in the barnyard
> with the golden calf we kicked out in the first round-and Paula can
> join him there."
>
> The third judge apparently also made comments, but no one paid
> attention to him.
>
> RCA executives also seemed relieved at Ba'al's victory. Said A & R
> director Ira Winkoff, "Let's face it-it would have been a bitch to
> market an artist with a name like YHWH. I mean, Hello? You're God-
> can't you BUY a vowel? Look how Prince's career tanked after he became
> symbol man. After last night, YHWH's best chances now are to sign with
> an underground label-He's strictly a niche
> artist."
>
> In spite of His loss and industry disapproval, YHWH seems likely to
> exceed His
> fifteen minutes of fame. Unlike what's-his-name from the first series,
> who
> lost to the late Kelly Clarkson (who was struck by lightning and died
> shortly
> after being named the first American Idol last September), YHWH has no
> intention of becoming a has-been. Already this morning He was making
> His
> disappointment and fury known across the land as a sudden plague of
> locusts hit
> the farmlands of the upper Midwest, floods devastated the South, prices
> on the
> NYSE plunged, and California fell into the ocean.
>
> (by David B. Lott)
>
> ---------
>
> Do I need Macromedia Flash (TM) to watch the war on Iraq?
>
>
> .
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.1.5 : Wed Sep 25 2002 - 13:28:59 MDT