From: Jonathan Davis (jon.davis@iomartdsl.com)
Date: Fri Mar 22 2002 - 17:33:10 MST
"(REUTERS) Kabul. French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan To
Convince Taleban of Non-Existence of God.
The war in Afghanistan hotted up yesterday when the Allies revealed
plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers
into the country to destroy the morale of Taleban zealots by proving the
non-existence of God.
Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets',
will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency
and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous
intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left
Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of pavement cafes
at strategic points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee
and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely
isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of
heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by
sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and
looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.
Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his
confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo,
a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated
wildly and said, "The Taleban are caught in a logical fallacy of the
most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue
out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking."
Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating
freedom of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the
films of Alfred Hitchcock.
However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the
operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking
from the Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on
civilians in the area.
Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute
to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to
propagate his non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe.
Other tactics to demonstrate the non-existence of God will include the
dropping of leaflets pointing out the fact that Michael Jackson has a
new album out and Oprah Winfrey has not died yet.
This is only one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by the Allies
to undermine the unswerving religious fanaticism that fuels the
Taleban's fighting spirit. Pentagon sources have recently confirmed
rumours that America has already sent in a 200-foot-tall robot Jesus,
which roams the Taleban front lines glowing eerily and shooting flames
out of its fingers while saying, 'I am the way, the truth and the life,
follow me or die.' However, plans to have the giant Christ kick the crap
out of a slightly effeminate 80-foot Mohammed in central Kabul were
discarded as insensitive to Muslim allies.
http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/exis.htm "
--------------
Regards
Jonathan
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